The Hardest Prayer I've Ever Prayed

I've had my share of relationships over the years. I thought a few of them were "the one," but then God put an end to those relationships because none of them was good for me, and I was settling. Shoot, God was nowhere near those relationships anyway. I justified and compromised because I enjoyed the attention and affection, and I wanted to be married.

My current relationship? Completely different.

He's strong in his faith. He cares about his faith. He loves God and His people. He desires to keep God at the center of our relationship. He encourages me in my devotional life. We pray together. We're about to start a Bible study book together... It's honestly everything I've dreamed about and more.

But...

Not everyone is on my side about it. Not everyone gives me full support, and this causes doubts in my mind.

"Is this truly the right thing?"

"If they don't want me in this relationship, then it MUST not be what God wants for me either."

In the beginning, I knew I was supposed to pray about it, but I didn't. One, because I've never done that before about any relationship. Two, I was scared...

Scared about what God would say.

But, last week, I finally caved and started not only praying for David and I, but I also included time in silence, listening to what God might have to say. (Never done that before either.) I would ask God to give me confirmation that this relationship is a part of His will. He hasn't given me an answer yet, but He's said other things and posed questions.

This morning, when I sat in silence, I didn't hear any response from God, so I continued on with my devotions. As I was reading Psalm 43, God spoke to me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks... The verses that got me is found in the picture below.

This reminded me of a Southern Gospel song that I fell in love with years ago by the group CrossWay, and I just had to listen to it, right then and there. It's called, "Took It All Away." Here's the link to the song, if you want to check it out:

God helped me realize that I only was asking for God to tell me "yes" about David and I. I never gave Him the option to answer me "no," not really anyway. Part of it is because David has told me that he heard from God about me the first day we met, and so I wanted that too, so I can be firm and confident just like him. The other part, as I mentioned before, I was scared. I don't want "no" to be the answer.

I don't want to lose him.

But God broke me down today.

How badly do I want the will of God? How badly do I want to do the right thing? What if "the precious thing that I held was stripped out of my hands"? What if God does say "no"? What am I going to do? Am I going to listen and break things off, or am I going to be rebellious and hold on to David for dear life until God steps in and forces me to let go?

Well, today, I sang my heart out, shed a few tears, opened up my hands, and told God that I would do whatever He wanted me to, even if that means ending things with David. "'For I know the plans for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future,'" Jeremiah 29:11. Though it may kill me inside to let David go, IF it ever comes to that, I know that God will have something better out there for me.

And that, my friends, is the hardest prayer I've ever prayed.

I encourage you to pray those prayers too. At the end of the day, you'll be glad you did.